This runs so contrary to everything I have done spiritually for so long. Let me hearken back over the years, uh, no decades. All the way back to the late 70s.
The 70s is when I had my born again phase I'll call it. There are other more accurate terms, but for now this word will do. Despite the fact that there are scriptures that point out there is nothing you can do to attain salvation other than believe, that is hardly what is practiced, or was, where I was churchified.T hose were the days when the health, wealth and prosperity doctrine really took off in the church of Pentecostalism. If you stepped back, the signs of God's favor on your life were excellent health, money pouring in, signs, wonders, miracles, answered prayers and people being saved all around you. That's a lot to attain. Which meant that there was a whole lot of Bible to memorize, because their path of faith indicates that. Lot's of praying and lots of memorizing. And giving away of money to the church. Particularly if you had less. That was my mind set for 13 years roughly. Variations on the theme, but still the bottom line theme. I did however, have the largest house group of our church. Not much else though.
So the spiritual heights of Christianity that come by attainment I never realized. And I brought that same mentality into my further adventures, one of which was getting ordained as a Druid priest. Yes, I am legally ordained by the state of Minnesota in the Reformed Druids of North America. And despite some wonderful people who actually have a heart to do good, and all the books about magic that were available, and the historic stories of Druids, I never attained to those lofty spiritual heights either. It wasn't for lack of trying.
So here I am now, sitting. Just sitting. That's my practice these days. Let me back up a tad. Recently I have added the Heart of Transcendent Knowledge sutra to my daily practice. Have you ever seen such a bunch of "nos" before? Talk about a negative! I do recall I counted 40 distinct nos. Talk about existential nihilism! What a downer! So I pretty much lightly touch on the text and repeat the mantra. I have liked for a long time, "where there is no obscuration of mind, there is no fear." (Two more!) No fear! That stopped me once. I like that notion! I want o be fearless! Just get rid of obscurations? (This is the part where I know if it were a movie, we'd be in a desert, me all alone, armed to the teeth however, the camera at my face, and behind me would be a horde of gnarly assed looking enemies. Also armed to the teeth. My face would be one of semi- comic trepidation, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of my face, and in it the camera can be seen the reflection of that horde as it zooms in on the bead of sweat....) piece of cake....
The other day I was perusing this text when I re-read for the umpteenth time, "since there is no attainment..." (insert sound of tires screeching to a halt here) they [the bodhisattvas] abide...." There it is! There is no attaining. It isn't about getting anything. No adding to. I just need to make like the dude Lebowski and abide. I moved on to practicing refuge, and it occurred to me: there is nothing to do here. I just need to trust. Consider the posture. Total submission and vulnerability. Trust. Finding that safe harbor, you drop anchor in the mandala of reality: pure essence, nature and compassion. What really is. Time to quit striving. One thing my teacher likes to say is, "relax." What he means is that there is no striving to attain. One relaxes into the natural state of things. Yes, we work the posture to release body energies, yet even that is to get it to relax into a state where they flow freely. We do the same with the mind. The tools we use in meditation aren't designed to add anything to us, they are designed to get us to relax into what already exists within us, the Buddha nature. This is more about realization of what is, of letting out, of letting go. That's the difficulty, and that's the beauty.
It's been in some regards, a long journey. But relaxing into what is has allowed me to relax into what is really there, which is love, compassion, joy, and a tough one in today's political climate, equanimity. I don't have to put those on. I just have to be vulnerable and let them come out. It is my true nature. No need to go out and get; just sit, be quiet and abide. I can finally let go of the feeling of needing to attain. The nos aren't such a downer anymore, they're just reminders of stuff I don't have to worry about attaining. I already have it all.
