There is no attainment

This runs so contrary to everything I have done spiritually for so long. Let me hearken back over the years, uh, no decades. All the way back to the late 70s.

The 70s is when I had my born again phase I'll call it. There are other more accurate terms, but for now this word will do. Despite the fact that there are scriptures that point out there is nothing you can do to attain salvation other than believe, that is hardly what is practiced, or was, where I was churchified.T hose were the days when the health, wealth and prosperity doctrine really took off in the church of Pentecostalism. If you stepped back, the signs of God's favor on your life were excellent health, money pouring in, signs, wonders, miracles, answered prayers and people being saved all around you. That's a lot to attain. Which meant that there was a whole lot of Bible to memorize, because their path of faith indicates that. Lot's of praying and lots of memorizing. And giving away of money to the church. Particularly if you had less. That was my mind set for 13 years roughly. Variations on the theme, but still the bottom line theme. I did however, have the largest house group of our church. Not much else though.

So the spiritual heights of Christianity that come by attainment I never realized. And I brought that same mentality into my further adventures, one of which was getting ordained as a Druid priest. Yes, I am legally ordained by the state of Minnesota in the Reformed Druids of North America. And despite some wonderful people who actually have a heart to do good, and all the books about magic that were available, and the historic stories of Druids, I never attained to those lofty spiritual heights either. It wasn't for lack of trying.

So here I am now, sitting. Just sitting. That's my practice these days. Let me back up a tad. Recently I have added the Heart of Transcendent Knowledge sutra to my daily practice. Have you ever seen such a bunch of "nos" before? Talk about a negative! I do recall I counted 40 distinct nos. Talk about existential nihilism! What a downer! So I pretty much lightly touch on the text and repeat the mantra. I have liked for a long time, "where there is no obscuration of mind, there is no fear." (Two more!) No fear! That stopped me once. I like that notion! I want o be fearless! Just get rid of obscurations? (This is the part where I know if it were a movie, we'd be in a desert, me all alone, armed to the teeth however, the camera at my face, and behind me would be a horde of gnarly assed looking enemies. Also armed to the teeth. My face would be one of semi- comic trepidation,  a bead of sweat rolling down the side of my face, and in it the camera can be seen the reflection of that horde as it zooms in on the bead of sweat....) piece of cake....

The other day I was perusing this text when I re-read for the umpteenth time, "since there is no attainment..." (insert sound of tires screeching to a halt here) they [the bodhisattvas] abide...." There it is! There is no attaining. It isn't about getting anything. No adding to. I just need to make like the dude Lebowski and abide. I moved on to practicing refuge, and it occurred to me: there is nothing to do here. I just need to trust. Consider the posture. Total submission and vulnerability. Trust. Finding that safe harbor, you drop anchor in the mandala of reality: pure essence, nature and compassion. What really is. Time to quit striving. One thing my teacher likes to say is, "relax." What he means is that there is no striving to attain. One relaxes into the natural state of things. Yes, we work the posture to release body energies, yet even that is to get it to relax into a state where they flow freely. We do the same with the mind. The tools we use in meditation aren't designed to add anything to us, they are designed to get us to relax into what already exists within us, the Buddha nature. This is more about realization of what is, of letting out, of letting go. That's the difficulty, and that's the beauty.

It's been in some regards, a long journey. But relaxing into what is has allowed me to relax into what is really there, which is love, compassion, joy, and a tough one in today's political climate, equanimity. I don't have to put those on. I just have to be vulnerable and let them come out. It is my true nature. No need to go out and get; just sit, be quiet and abide. I can finally let go of the feeling of needing to attain. The nos aren't such a downer anymore, they're just reminders of stuff I don't have to worry about attaining. I already have it all.

Subjective Apprehension

Subjective apprehension. How's that for abstract? Not the sort of image when I mention steak and potatoes is it? Hardly. Right there though, in the Root Verses of the Six Intermediate States these two words appear, not one, but twice. Even though I say "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" and your mind is filled with pictures, I'm sure that "subjective apprehension" still draws a blank. So let's create some pictures.

These two words appear in the Root Verses relative to two different states: meditative concentration, and death.Now we have pictures, and interestingly enough, though the English doesn't change much, the two most common understanding of these words fit these images perfectly.

Image of meditation: how does subjective apprehension relate to that state of meditation? The verse itself says in part, "Alas, now as the state of meditative concentration arises before me, renouncing the mass of distractions and confusions, I must undistractedly enter a state, which is devoid of subjective apprehension...." Don't let the "devoid" scare you. I'm not there yet either, and if I don't know what subjective apprehension is, then the devoid is hardly an issue. When we think of subjectivity, we often refer to an image of what I perceive, do we not? A subjective judgment would be based on my feelings, perceptions, thoughts and so on. So basically, we begin with me, and I'm sure you already see half the problem! The other word, apprehension, might mean in this case, "understanding, or grasping of..." It boils down to this: in meditation, we endeavor to release this grasp on our understanding of what we think we are. As we learn to sit, do not unspeakable thoughts course through our minds? So is that what we are? We like to think not. But that's just thinking. We have, over the last century or so tried very hard to define what we are as humans. Spirit, soul, and body? Or no soul? No spirit? Mind and body? What is mind? There are more questions than answers, and because we like answers, we make them up and then grasp onto them. Hence the opening picture. Grasping onto those images or constructs of our own making we end up calling ego, ID, Super Ego, Mind, Spirit, Me, and when the going gets tough economically we now say that we are re-inventing ourselves. How do we do that if experientially we have no answer to what we really are? This is like grasping water. In sitting meditation, we learn to relax into our true nature by letting go of what proves to be false.

That brings us to our next image: the moment of our death. The verse says, "Alas, now as the intermediate state of the time of death arises before me, Renouncing all attachment, yearning,
and subjective apprehension...." So imagine this scene if you will, and put yourself in it. You spent a life time creating an image of yourself which maybe even flew in the face of science. It was never confirmed by it, and lo and behold, science cannot alter what each of us must face. We spent a lifetime doing the first picture: grasping onto things. Our name. Our reputation, or lack thereof. Our lands, businesses, holdings, wealth, and whatever meaning they gave our lives. We grasped onto political and religious belief systems (acronymed as BS) and philosophies, be they kitchen variety or classical. At death we are alone, and what if everything we believed was wrong? No one goes with us, and nothing goes with us. Our life, our subjective life dependent on our mind or perspective for existence is threatened. We get apprehensive, afraid of losing not just our stuff, but of our very definition of existence. The regrets we might feel! The pain! The sorrow! The elemental breakdown begins to occur in our bodies, ending with the air leaving the body. We now have no choice in going where we have never gone before. Wow.

There is a great flow here though. If we spend time in sitting meditation learning to release all of this stuff in our minds that we think is so real and so concrete, dealing with me, me, and only me, then when we get to that time of death, it will be much easier to renounce all attachment, yearning and that fear of loss of me. If we live our lives with open palms and an open heart, receiving the gifts we get, and willingly allowing them to be shared, and not grasping onto them, then when they leave our hands we have no concerns about loss or grief because it was a gift. The love that gave it hasn't changed. Now maybe someone else can enjoy that gift.

I've spent a lifetime trying to be the macho man I'm not, all the while not knowing exactly what it meant to be a man. I get to define that for myself. In sitting meditation, and studying dharma texts I learn to release the false contructs of mind. Reflecting on love and compassion allows me to open my heart. It took a traumatic event to bring me to that apex,  which won't be the case for everyone. Moving into that vulnerability means I can give up trying to control what happens in my life. It allows me to receive gifts of love. It allows me to ask for help. It allows me the freedom to not have to define, have answers, or understand everything. It does however, allow me to live with joy, and face that moment of death with a lot less apprehension.

As I said before, I'm not there.

Yet.

I had my annual check-up recently with my teacher, Kilung Rinpoche. He was his usual gracious self, and listened as I laid out my few questions and explained where and how my practice was coming along. Part of what I walked away with was him re-iterating one thing to me, and another was a new addition to my practice. Technically, "Do more."

I share this with you because I have heard in whispered threads these same lessons, and something struck me this morning as I have been reflecting on it. What Rinpoche shared with me was to focus on the Four Thoughts That Turn the Mind to Dharma. I am at a place in my practice where I am doing the inner preliminaries of ngondro. And every day I speak these four thoughts out loud. Each of the thoughts has a page in our ngondro manual, which I repeat. Now it seems to me then that for Rinpoche to nudge me this way again means I am missing something, in my line of thinking anyway. In essence, I think he wants me to go deeper on these Four Thoughts. So this morning I cracked open Patrul Rinpoche's Words of My Perfect Teacher again to re-visit what had been said. Turns out it's a bit more than just a page or two on each thought. More like a chapter. It also nudges me to start reflecting on the very likely idea that maybe I am not allowing these Four Thoughts to really settle in my ground being, my true nature heart/mind. It's easy to let stuff rattle around intellectually. I know however, that isn't what Rinpoche wants. For me it's easy to get my dander up politically. I find though that when I do, I find all sorts of attachments. And those need to be challenged, especially if in the process I denigrate others. My speech needs the reality of bodhichitta, as well as my thoughts. Because even though I may disagree with a lot of what is happening, but I still need to respond from the Awakened Mind, not what I am attached to. Let me share these words from Patul Rinpoche:

"Whenever you do something positive, whether of major or minor importance, it is indispensable to enhance it with the three supreme methods. Before beginning, arouse the bodhichitta as a skillful means to make sure that the action becomes a source of good for the future. While carrying out the action, avoid getting involved in any conceptualization, so that merit cannot be destroyed by circumstances. At the end, seal the action properly by dedicating the merit, which will ensure that it continually grows ever greater."

Words of My Perfect Teacher, Part 1, chapter 1, pg. 8

So I encourage you to re-visit these Four Thoughts.

The other aspect I was encouraged to increase, ("Do more.") was the Vajrasattva practice. I have been doing 21 mantras a day as I am focused on doing prostrations and the Refuge/Bodhichitta generation. (Still a most wondrous visualization). I have been discovering through the Vajrasattva visualization practice that it is indeed quite powerful. And at the end, it becomes a benefit to others. In Words of My Perfect Teacher, Patrul Rinpoche mentions the Confession of Downfalls in the Vajrasattva practice. So I found a link that provided the Confession as well as Indian and Tibetan commentary. I have been thoroughly amazed at adding this addendum practice to my Vajrasattva practice. The Tibetan commentary lists the names of the 35 Buddhas and their cleansing attribute. Thirty five? Oh my partitioning mind! That means I can address 5 a day, and in a week bow to them all. I find that this sort of break down allows me to focus a bit more on individuals, and their aspect to me. "To the Bestower of Courage," who eliminates latent traces of anger. A good one when I think of today's polarized political environment. "To the One Who Understands Clearly, Enjoying the Radiant Light of Purity" eliminates the latent traces of the non-virtue of our speech. Need I say more? There are only 33 left....

The impact it has had on me is subtle and powerful. "Do more" I realize, meant more than just increasing the number of mantras. Learning more about practices is always thrilling to some extent, and humbling in others. Massive vistas of potentiality open up, but it's also apparent that a lot of obscurations are still needing attention. I also have  a new found appreciation for the vows I have made, the commitments,  and the depth to which my heart and mind can be opened. As I have focused more on the Vajrasattva visualization, I can actually do it anywhere. Seeing the couple in bliss, and the nectar flowing through them into me and driving out the impurities, and then from the seed in my heart/mind, the lights emanating out as offerings and prayers for all sentient beings can be generated in a second, and so I can do it as I drive or walk around downtown. And what I really like is that in all this focus on my downfalls, committed for endless aeons, and the purification process has no judgment in it. There are the Four Powers, like the Four Thoughts, and it is all summed up by, "Vajrasattva is pleased, and smiling says, 'O Child of Noble Family, your wrong doings, obscurations, and transgressions are all purified.'"

"They melt into radiant clarity."

Re-visit the Four Thoughts that turn the mind to dharma: Precious human birth, the suffering of samsara, impermanence, and karma. And let's heart connect with the Refuge and Vajrasattva visualizations. Kilung would emphasize that more than just repeating mantras. I would say that ngondro is less about achieving the numbers and more about the connection and opening of the heart and mind to the depths of not only my downfalls, committed over aeons, and also to the real nature of us all, the immeasurable love, compassion, joy and equanimity of the Awakened Mind.