Subjective Apprehension

Subjective apprehension. How's that for abstract? Not the sort of image when I mention steak and potatoes is it? Hardly. Right there though, in the Root Verses of the Six Intermediate States these two words appear, not one, but twice. Even though I say "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" and your mind is filled with pictures, I'm sure that "subjective apprehension" still draws a blank. So let's create some pictures.

These two words appear in the Root Verses relative to two different states: meditative concentration, and death.Now we have pictures, and interestingly enough, though the English doesn't change much, the two most common understanding of these words fit these images perfectly.

Image of meditation: how does subjective apprehension relate to that state of meditation? The verse itself says in part, "Alas, now as the state of meditative concentration arises before me, renouncing the mass of distractions and confusions, I must undistractedly enter a state, which is devoid of subjective apprehension...." Don't let the "devoid" scare you. I'm not there yet either, and if I don't know what subjective apprehension is, then the devoid is hardly an issue. When we think of subjectivity, we often refer to an image of what I perceive, do we not? A subjective judgment would be based on my feelings, perceptions, thoughts and so on. So basically, we begin with me, and I'm sure you already see half the problem! The other word, apprehension, might mean in this case, "understanding, or grasping of..." It boils down to this: in meditation, we endeavor to release this grasp on our understanding of what we think we are. As we learn to sit, do not unspeakable thoughts course through our minds? So is that what we are? We like to think not. But that's just thinking. We have, over the last century or so tried very hard to define what we are as humans. Spirit, soul, and body? Or no soul? No spirit? Mind and body? What is mind? There are more questions than answers, and because we like answers, we make them up and then grasp onto them. Hence the opening picture. Grasping onto those images or constructs of our own making we end up calling ego, ID, Super Ego, Mind, Spirit, Me, and when the going gets tough economically we now say that we are re-inventing ourselves. How do we do that if experientially we have no answer to what we really are? This is like grasping water. In sitting meditation, we learn to relax into our true nature by letting go of what proves to be false.

That brings us to our next image: the moment of our death. The verse says, "Alas, now as the intermediate state of the time of death arises before me, Renouncing all attachment, yearning,
and subjective apprehension...." So imagine this scene if you will, and put yourself in it. You spent a life time creating an image of yourself which maybe even flew in the face of science. It was never confirmed by it, and lo and behold, science cannot alter what each of us must face. We spent a lifetime doing the first picture: grasping onto things. Our name. Our reputation, or lack thereof. Our lands, businesses, holdings, wealth, and whatever meaning they gave our lives. We grasped onto political and religious belief systems (acronymed as BS) and philosophies, be they kitchen variety or classical. At death we are alone, and what if everything we believed was wrong? No one goes with us, and nothing goes with us. Our life, our subjective life dependent on our mind or perspective for existence is threatened. We get apprehensive, afraid of losing not just our stuff, but of our very definition of existence. The regrets we might feel! The pain! The sorrow! The elemental breakdown begins to occur in our bodies, ending with the air leaving the body. We now have no choice in going where we have never gone before. Wow.

There is a great flow here though. If we spend time in sitting meditation learning to release all of this stuff in our minds that we think is so real and so concrete, dealing with me, me, and only me, then when we get to that time of death, it will be much easier to renounce all attachment, yearning and that fear of loss of me. If we live our lives with open palms and an open heart, receiving the gifts we get, and willingly allowing them to be shared, and not grasping onto them, then when they leave our hands we have no concerns about loss or grief because it was a gift. The love that gave it hasn't changed. Now maybe someone else can enjoy that gift.

I've spent a lifetime trying to be the macho man I'm not, all the while not knowing exactly what it meant to be a man. I get to define that for myself. In sitting meditation, and studying dharma texts I learn to release the false contructs of mind. Reflecting on love and compassion allows me to open my heart. It took a traumatic event to bring me to that apex,  which won't be the case for everyone. Moving into that vulnerability means I can give up trying to control what happens in my life. It allows me to receive gifts of love. It allows me to ask for help. It allows me the freedom to not have to define, have answers, or understand everything. It does however, allow me to live with joy, and face that moment of death with a lot less apprehension.

As I said before, I'm not there.

Yet.